( in a perfect world this would be my last entry )

I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE how I can give such good advice to people and when I find myself in that same situation I completely do the opposite!!

Why am I such a stupid hypo(hippo)crit sometimes?!?!

I wish I could have a therapist who could help me get my head on straight while completely ignoring or encouraging my disordered behavior.

Good god that was a sick thought.


I feel really guilty because sometimes I think that if I had the financial means to live on my own I might dump my boyfriend to do just that. Then I could live with my disorder out in the open and keep the peace. I'm scared sometimes that I just may love it more than I love him. I hope no one ever asks me to choose.

I hope one day I'm not scared of being asked to choose.

But I can't stop day dreaming about a lovely townhouse that has an extra room (exercise room?) instead of a kitchen.


If the world was "perfect" and we all looked the way we wanted and somehow maintainedo our health...what would we obsess (kill ourselves) over then?

I know there would be something...
we aren't designed to be happy

Mood: anxious

I finished Second Star To The Right the other day, it only took two days and I really enjoyed it. I wish it had been longer though, but I'm glad I got the addition with the afterword written by the author, otherwise the non-ending would have driven me crazy.

To thwart any suspicion I'm reading another Dean Koontz book, but as soon as that's done I'm going to read The Best Little Girl In The World, I would have started it sooner, but Kessa hadn't come in and I'd like to read them back to back, which I can now.


I've decided that as far as food goes, I'm going to stay on my rotation till I run out of food in the house. Whenever that happens (probably in a month) I'll go on a 7 day water fast, followed by a 7 day juice fast.

There are 2 reasons behinds this. 1) Weightloss, obviously. 2) Saving money.
My goal is to buy a brand new car at the end of the summer, so I really need to stop screwing around and limit my spending severely. The only thing I plan on buying during the next month and a half or so is milk for my cereal and bottled water. That should definatly save on the grocery bill. I've got lots of canned veggies and stuff that I can go through so I should actually be pretty balanced the entire time.

I'm still planning on doing the "plan" I've been talking about for a while now, but it just needs to be put off for a while, mostly for money reasons. Once I have it all completely figured out I can probably go through with it without breaking the bank, so I'll cross my fingers for having it start after that juice fast I mentioned above.

I hope that everyone is doing well and I'm really sorry that I've been slacking on commenting and stuff. I'm trying to read all that I can!

So yesturday went really well

until last night.

I'm not sure when this binging monster in me showed up, but it is not cool. I never used to have behaviors like this. I took a detour on my way home from school so I could gorge myself with foods I don't even like! and I was hardly hungry!!

I'm over it.

I can't change what happend and if I dwell I'm just going to end up in a downward spiral of depressing & eating. So...none of that.

I'm going to carry on with my plan and just do the best I can to remember how awful I felt last night when it was all over. Hopefully that'll motivate me to never do it again.

Foooooooooood For today:
1 cup Fiber One Cereal
1/2 cup soy milk
170 Calories

1 plain english muffin
100 calories

Mashed taters w/roasted chicken & carrots meal
130 calories

170
100
130
400

I have a good feeling about today.
I refuse to let myself get down and my schedule is really packed today so I'm confident that I will not screw up.

So today is my 500 calorie day

I've mapped everything out food-wise so I'm not worried in the slightest. I've brought everything with me and I have no money on me so there isn't really any way for me to get more food.

7:30 am: Breakfast
1 cup Fiber One Cereal
1/2 cup soy milk
Total: 170 Calories

10:45 am: Snack
2 slices Zweiback toast
1 Wedge of Laughing Cow Lite Cheese
(1 16oz bottle of water between pieces of toast)
Total: 105 Calories

1:30 pm: Lunch
60z Chicken noodle Soup
4oz apple juice
Total: 150 Calories

4:00 pm: Snack
7g Gerber Fruit Puffs
Total: 25 Calories

6:30 pm: Dinner
3.9oz No Sugar Added Apple Sauce
Total: 50 Calories

170
105
150
25
50
500

And of course I'll be drinking PLENTY of water

I also really need to get on my bike tonight...i really hope I have the energy after class.

The pressure got to me last night, so I drank alot, I numbed myself and was left with a very lovely evening that I can only vaguely remember. I'm refusing to let myself dwell on this stuff and I've been learning alot about how my brain works and how it affects my eating habits.

I've decided that today is a hardcore planning day and that tomorrow I can finally be back to losing weight.

I've decided that I will start Monday with a 500 calorie limit, reduce it by 100 a day (Tuesday 400, Wednesday 300, etc..) and then water fast 2 days. This is a cycle I want to run through twice and then take a look and see where I am.

It's simple, something I can focus on and as long as I plan ahead (which is what today is for) then I won't be stuck in any surprising situations. :-)

I have a planner that I've decided to use to map out menu in, the calander should prove to be a really big help and there's even a calculator in it so I can add up my calories :-)

This is it, a new start, no more being so hard on myself, no more being depressed.

Slow and steady wins the race, right? hehe

My boyfriend has decided that we are going out to dinner tonight, so.....i'm not actually counting calories today, just restricting as much as possible so I have something to hold on to while at the restaurant tonight.

Tomorrow will start the calorie counting, I don't have a calorie goal in mind since my body needs to adjust, but I will be keeping track.

Just wanted to jot this note down...it's a busy day today hopefully i'll be able to catch up with everyone soon!

Dietwise: today was a complete wash

but that's fine b/c mentally I made alot of progress and to me that's more important.

I've decided that forces in the universe that are beyond my control will not let me water fast so I've decided to restrict till I start my juice fast on wednesday...if I even end up doing it. I think I'll see how I handle restricting, if it goes well I may just keep that up for a spell, no need to interrupt something if it's working out.

Tonight I will not be eating well, I'm not exactly planning on binging persay...but yeah.

It's hard to explain but it's something I almost feel like I need to do.

It's a really long story, but if I want to survive the day fully intact I need to cut myself a break and hide in a plate of comfort food.

I'm not hiding from the part of my past that haunted me today though, which is extremely healthy.


I see that I have random thoughts scattered about and I'm probably not makeing much sense so let me sum this up.

I am fine (physically & mentally).
I am feeling healthy (mentally).
Tomorrow is truly a new day.
I love you all.

So I got on the scale this morning.
ew.

Oh well. I'm not even going to bother to mention the number b/c my bowels have refused to move since Monday and therefor I am literally stuffed.

I took laxitives last night and then again this morning, as the directions stated, nothing yet. My system is so screwed up from the fast that I probably will have to take the pills at least one more time before anything happens. :-/

This doesn't surprise me in the slightest but I am seriously not enjoying this high level of discomfort.

In other news.

I recieved an email from my mother this morning, it was really nice and she talked about how she really enjoyed having me over last night and how it was nice to see that I've been keeping up my healthy lifestyle as promised.

I feel good about that b/c it means my plan worked, but I also feel kinda crappy because I hate being dishonest.

Mentally I feel good today. Last night did wonders for my soul I think. I'm confident that I can get through today on water and my sanity will be completely restored.

I talked with my boyfriend last night about going out to dinner, he was expecting me to want to back out, so I won't even dream of it, the last thing I need is my disorder screwing up our relationship. I've decided that I'm going to go and I'm going to be normal. I won't fuss over the menu, I won't order lemon water & I certainly will not cry...this is going to be a pleasant experience and I have from not till then to mentally freak out about it if I want to.

Since I'm fussy and half day fasting pisses me off I decided to set everyones mind at ease. I stopped at CVS on the way home from work and picked up the laxitives I needed, I also bought a small bag of gummy bears. I dumped out half the bag and showed up with the other half + a gummy bear in my mouth at my mothers house and requested dinner. Might as well, right?

She seemed genuinely happy, so now I know that there is no doubt in anyones mind about my eating habits. As it should be.

I came home tonight to an empty house, it was nice to have it so quiet. So I sat down and finished a book I'd been reading. The ending was so sad, itmade me cry like a baby.

I'd forgotten how good it feels to cry.

Though fasting does center me, there is also something deeply disconnecting about it.

I decided that I like how alive I felt while crying so I put on a movie that never fails to get me going. Might as well enjoy it, there's no boys around to laugh at me. ;-)

So that's my evening along with hopefully finishing my list.

Tomorrow is a new day and I hope it treats everyone kindly!

Mood: alive