( in a perfect world this would be my last entry )

I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE how I can give such good advice to people and when I find myself in that same situation I completely do the opposite!!

Why am I such a stupid hypo(hippo)crit sometimes?!?!

I wish I could have a therapist who could help me get my head on straight while completely ignoring or encouraging my disordered behavior.

Good god that was a sick thought.


I feel really guilty because sometimes I think that if I had the financial means to live on my own I might dump my boyfriend to do just that. Then I could live with my disorder out in the open and keep the peace. I'm scared sometimes that I just may love it more than I love him. I hope no one ever asks me to choose.

I hope one day I'm not scared of being asked to choose.

But I can't stop day dreaming about a lovely townhouse that has an extra room (exercise room?) instead of a kitchen.


If the world was "perfect" and we all looked the way we wanted and somehow maintainedo our health...what would we obsess (kill ourselves) over then?

I know there would be something...
we aren't designed to be happy

Mood: anxious

I finished Second Star To The Right the other day, it only took two days and I really enjoyed it. I wish it had been longer though, but I'm glad I got the addition with the afterword written by the author, otherwise the non-ending would have driven me crazy.

To thwart any suspicion I'm reading another Dean Koontz book, but as soon as that's done I'm going to read The Best Little Girl In The World, I would have started it sooner, but Kessa hadn't come in and I'd like to read them back to back, which I can now.


I've decided that as far as food goes, I'm going to stay on my rotation till I run out of food in the house. Whenever that happens (probably in a month) I'll go on a 7 day water fast, followed by a 7 day juice fast.

There are 2 reasons behinds this. 1) Weightloss, obviously. 2) Saving money.
My goal is to buy a brand new car at the end of the summer, so I really need to stop screwing around and limit my spending severely. The only thing I plan on buying during the next month and a half or so is milk for my cereal and bottled water. That should definatly save on the grocery bill. I've got lots of canned veggies and stuff that I can go through so I should actually be pretty balanced the entire time.

I'm still planning on doing the "plan" I've been talking about for a while now, but it just needs to be put off for a while, mostly for money reasons. Once I have it all completely figured out I can probably go through with it without breaking the bank, so I'll cross my fingers for having it start after that juice fast I mentioned above.

I hope that everyone is doing well and I'm really sorry that I've been slacking on commenting and stuff. I'm trying to read all that I can!

So yesturday went really well

until last night.

I'm not sure when this binging monster in me showed up, but it is not cool. I never used to have behaviors like this. I took a detour on my way home from school so I could gorge myself with foods I don't even like! and I was hardly hungry!!

I'm over it.

I can't change what happend and if I dwell I'm just going to end up in a downward spiral of depressing & eating. So...none of that.

I'm going to carry on with my plan and just do the best I can to remember how awful I felt last night when it was all over. Hopefully that'll motivate me to never do it again.

Foooooooooood For today:
1 cup Fiber One Cereal
1/2 cup soy milk
170 Calories

1 plain english muffin
100 calories

Mashed taters w/roasted chicken & carrots meal
130 calories

170
100
130
400

I have a good feeling about today.
I refuse to let myself get down and my schedule is really packed today so I'm confident that I will not screw up.

So today is my 500 calorie day

I've mapped everything out food-wise so I'm not worried in the slightest. I've brought everything with me and I have no money on me so there isn't really any way for me to get more food.

7:30 am: Breakfast
1 cup Fiber One Cereal
1/2 cup soy milk
Total: 170 Calories

10:45 am: Snack
2 slices Zweiback toast
1 Wedge of Laughing Cow Lite Cheese
(1 16oz bottle of water between pieces of toast)
Total: 105 Calories

1:30 pm: Lunch
60z Chicken noodle Soup
4oz apple juice
Total: 150 Calories

4:00 pm: Snack
7g Gerber Fruit Puffs
Total: 25 Calories

6:30 pm: Dinner
3.9oz No Sugar Added Apple Sauce
Total: 50 Calories

170
105
150
25
50
500

And of course I'll be drinking PLENTY of water

I also really need to get on my bike tonight...i really hope I have the energy after class.

The pressure got to me last night, so I drank alot, I numbed myself and was left with a very lovely evening that I can only vaguely remember. I'm refusing to let myself dwell on this stuff and I've been learning alot about how my brain works and how it affects my eating habits.

I've decided that today is a hardcore planning day and that tomorrow I can finally be back to losing weight.

I've decided that I will start Monday with a 500 calorie limit, reduce it by 100 a day (Tuesday 400, Wednesday 300, etc..) and then water fast 2 days. This is a cycle I want to run through twice and then take a look and see where I am.

It's simple, something I can focus on and as long as I plan ahead (which is what today is for) then I won't be stuck in any surprising situations. :-)

I have a planner that I've decided to use to map out menu in, the calander should prove to be a really big help and there's even a calculator in it so I can add up my calories :-)

This is it, a new start, no more being so hard on myself, no more being depressed.

Slow and steady wins the race, right? hehe

My boyfriend has decided that we are going out to dinner tonight, so.....i'm not actually counting calories today, just restricting as much as possible so I have something to hold on to while at the restaurant tonight.

Tomorrow will start the calorie counting, I don't have a calorie goal in mind since my body needs to adjust, but I will be keeping track.

Just wanted to jot this note down...it's a busy day today hopefully i'll be able to catch up with everyone soon!

Dietwise: today was a complete wash

but that's fine b/c mentally I made alot of progress and to me that's more important.

I've decided that forces in the universe that are beyond my control will not let me water fast so I've decided to restrict till I start my juice fast on wednesday...if I even end up doing it. I think I'll see how I handle restricting, if it goes well I may just keep that up for a spell, no need to interrupt something if it's working out.

Tonight I will not be eating well, I'm not exactly planning on binging persay...but yeah.

It's hard to explain but it's something I almost feel like I need to do.

It's a really long story, but if I want to survive the day fully intact I need to cut myself a break and hide in a plate of comfort food.

I'm not hiding from the part of my past that haunted me today though, which is extremely healthy.


I see that I have random thoughts scattered about and I'm probably not makeing much sense so let me sum this up.

I am fine (physically & mentally).
I am feeling healthy (mentally).
Tomorrow is truly a new day.
I love you all.

So I got on the scale this morning.
ew.

Oh well. I'm not even going to bother to mention the number b/c my bowels have refused to move since Monday and therefor I am literally stuffed.

I took laxitives last night and then again this morning, as the directions stated, nothing yet. My system is so screwed up from the fast that I probably will have to take the pills at least one more time before anything happens. :-/

This doesn't surprise me in the slightest but I am seriously not enjoying this high level of discomfort.

In other news.

I recieved an email from my mother this morning, it was really nice and she talked about how she really enjoyed having me over last night and how it was nice to see that I've been keeping up my healthy lifestyle as promised.

I feel good about that b/c it means my plan worked, but I also feel kinda crappy because I hate being dishonest.

Mentally I feel good today. Last night did wonders for my soul I think. I'm confident that I can get through today on water and my sanity will be completely restored.

I talked with my boyfriend last night about going out to dinner, he was expecting me to want to back out, so I won't even dream of it, the last thing I need is my disorder screwing up our relationship. I've decided that I'm going to go and I'm going to be normal. I won't fuss over the menu, I won't order lemon water & I certainly will not cry...this is going to be a pleasant experience and I have from not till then to mentally freak out about it if I want to.

Since I'm fussy and half day fasting pisses me off I decided to set everyones mind at ease. I stopped at CVS on the way home from work and picked up the laxitives I needed, I also bought a small bag of gummy bears. I dumped out half the bag and showed up with the other half + a gummy bear in my mouth at my mothers house and requested dinner. Might as well, right?

She seemed genuinely happy, so now I know that there is no doubt in anyones mind about my eating habits. As it should be.

I came home tonight to an empty house, it was nice to have it so quiet. So I sat down and finished a book I'd been reading. The ending was so sad, itmade me cry like a baby.

I'd forgotten how good it feels to cry.

Though fasting does center me, there is also something deeply disconnecting about it.

I decided that I like how alive I felt while crying so I put on a movie that never fails to get me going. Might as well enjoy it, there's no boys around to laugh at me. ;-)

So that's my evening along with hopefully finishing my list.

Tomorrow is a new day and I hope it treats everyone kindly!

Mood: alive

Had a setback last night.

But, I'm passed it. No need to dwell.

Just found out, Pretty much being forced out to lunch today for a meeting, so I have to eat..obiously. I'll be starting my water fast right after that. Going though the weekend, when I'm suposidly going out to dinner with the boyfriend. Then I'll pick it up again until my juice fast starts (1/31). That's really the only course of action I can take right now to keep my sanity, so it wins!

I'm going to go out and buy laxitives after work today, I can't properly do a water fast unless I'm "empty" otherwise I'm constantly thinking about what's "stuck inside me". (sorry for the potential icky visual)

So that's what's going on with me.

I've decided that I HAVE to finish my master list tonight so I can scout the grocery store with it this weekend and finish up my book from there. It should provide a nice distraction because I'll probably be hungry and there is no way I'm eating.

Acomplishment = feeling good

So that's what I'm focusing on today! :-)

Mood: optimistic

As the work runs out I've been keeping my mind occupied with being anal, thankfully this rarely fails to please me.

So I've redone my calandar and updated so it's current.
( Read more... )

I've decided that I'm going to get on the scale when I get home tonight so I can finally stop assuming I gained 10lbs in two days. But wow, do I hate that little voice in my head that's telling me I'm going to regret this.

I think once I realize that I everything hasn't been ruined the little rain cloud over my head will go away.

After I posted here on Sunday I fell asleep.

When I woke up my mother and one of my friends was at our house.

( uh oh )

This morning I could not bring myself to step on that scale.

I'm back to water fasting. I don't know whatelse to do right now. I'm just going to water fast until I said I was going to, juice fast from there, fruit fast and then start my plan.

I'm not in a very good place right now, I'm severely depressed, but I'm doing all that I can to keep my head on straight, which'll keep me safe. I'm sure that by now no one suspects anything from me. The old me would flip out and cry at the sight of food I had not chosen myself, so hopefully they'll think my passing out was a fluke and go on non the wiser...

I'm not sure what's going to happen to me

I passed out today, I'm sure you can figure out why.

That was something I'd been expecting and keeping myself prepared for, but I really didn't count on it happening in a room full of people.

I don't know where this leads me...I still haven't eaten...I can't imagine what'll happen if they try and make me.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
4.7lbs away from my next goal!! :-)

I just finished reading wasted, and I liked it alot. I was really drawn to the way the story was told. If anyone has been thinking about reading it, I recomend it fully. I can't even count the times where I saw, on page, thoughts that I'd had.

I do not, however, recomend this book for anyone attempting to recover.

Anyway, I'm about 3/4 of the way done with compiling the master list from my cook book.

For those who don't know what I'm talking about here's the deal.

I collected bunches of low cal recipes online. Typed them up in a similar format and now keep them in a three ring binder. I am currently going through compiling a list of every ingredient in the book. This way I can go and research which brand of this product will offer me the least amount of calories and I'll be able to figure out exactly how many calories each recipe has before I even set out to make it.

My thought process is this, I will be planning my meals out at the beginning of the week in a planner, and because recipes will be in the book in the order of their true calorie ammount I can just fit them in with other recipes so I can stick to the allotted amount of calories for the day. Leaving me with no other food options, and no reason to go over. :-)

Because it will take two weeks after my fast for my body to adjust to foods I am going to start this plan on Feb 19th**. So I have until then to get all of this completed.

**Technically that's more than 2 weeks after, but b/c of the intense prep going into this, i'll be preparing food on Sunday for the entire week.

So the weight has been creeping off very slowly as it tends to do at this point in a fast. I know if I was a bit more active that would help, but I've barely had the time. I am proud to say that I'm only 6.5lbs away from my next goal, which makes me extremely happy.

I'm frustrated that I still haven't hit the 130's (i'm 140.0 today *sigh*) but hopefully I can have that taken care of by tomorrow.

I keep my self in good head space by remembering that today is day 18 and since I started my fast I have lost 21.4lbs which is nothing to be upset over.

I've straightened things out with my old gym and financially I'm squared away, so now I just need to get my butt over (probably tuesday after work) to that other gym and see about signing up. This way I can start going in the morning before work instead of afterwords like that other stupid place made me. I get home late enough as it is!

I've got school today *boooooooooooo* from 1 - 5, which means I have to leave home at 11:30 and I wont get back till after 6, oh well, it's a great way to say that I ate two meals.

Well, I did it.

:-)

I got all of the pages formated and printed out for my cookbook.

So all I have to do this weekend is holepunch them and get them in the binder and it's complete, then the fun stuff can start! :-)

Day 17 of my fast hasn't been all that great, I've been very weak and drinking water has been making me queasy. I think it's due to stress more than my fast though, I'll know for sure once I get home and away from this office.

I hope everyone is doing well, I'm going to do the best I can to catch up on everyones entries!


Despite all of that I'm in a pretty pisspoor mood, my bosses are taking advantage of me and there's nothing I can do about it but be angry.

So wow, after a binge this morning (on recipes, not food) I have an additional 144 to type up and get added to my book. This is extremely exciting. :-)

It seems that something is wrong w/one of the fans in my car, so it looks like no heat for me. Which is just great....just in time for the snow to show up tomorrow. I'm going to call my mechanic in a bit and see if he can get me in tomorrow, but even so that's going to be a really long reallllllllly cold drive home from school tonight.

oh well, shivering burns calories right?

I'm getting better with my water levels, my weight started to slowly drop again, so that's serving as a bit of a motivation. I'm 8lbs away from my next goal and I'm hoping that

I'm pretty shocked that it's day 16 of my fast and I feel fine. Seriously and completely fine. I'm not complaining or anything, but I do find it funny.

Wow whoever that saint was that told me about Hungrygirl.com PLEASE come to my house so I can cook you a lovely (low cal obviously) dinner, you are my goddess!! :-)

I am completely loving this site and totally bulking up my recipe stash even MORE!

I'm feeling alot better right now.

I left work early, worked out my woe on the bike for an hour then I took a nap.

I just got done cleaning up from dinner and packing the bf's lunch and now I'm relaxing. I think I'm going to type up some more recipes that I found, I've decided to puch the holes in all of them this weekend so I've got a few more days to round up more. This really is a nice little project for me.

School starts tomorrow and I am borderline giddy about it. I'm not so excited about the class I have tomorrow (college algebra) b/c 1 i hate hate hate hate math and 2 it's really sort of a first year class so I probably won't know anyone in it and there probably wont be anyone my age, which means I won't have anyone to relate to. I hope the teacher's nice in anycase, I have a habit of getting along very well with my teachers, and in a class I'm predestined to hate I need all the help I can get!

I just wanted to thank everyone for all the support you gave me, even though I posted that the internet wasn't giving me the comfort I needed I was stupidly wrong. You all mean the world to me and I don't know what I would have done today with out you gals. <3

Mood: calm